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The Angry Fool Wind.

I sat and waited as my thoughts gathered and my adrenaline built up to the point where I could no longer sit and wait still. My eyes watered a bit but deep down I knew that everything, eventually, would turn out right, if I could only stay positive, and if I could only find the optimism in our pessimistic world. My arms trembled and wouldn't allow me to give her the hug that she had always deserved. Her head rested on my shoulder and we both realized that, for the moment, our lives were ending.

"That angry fool wind is gonna blow again, so hang on with all of your might. That hard stabbing pain will always feel the same. There's nothing you can do to fight."

The White-Tailed Deer

A White-Tailed Deer is a reddish to grayish American deer with white on the belly and the underside of the tail. These damned animals are not afraid to prance out in front of your car when you are traveling at a fairly rapid speed, as I learned tonight while taking my girlfriend home.

It had been a long day of mindless relaxation, along with a few hours of work, which aloud for me to be well alert in the evening when my girlfriend Norah and I wanted to spend some quality time with a couple of friends. We hadn't been able to see our friends in a while considering we were expecting a child and Norah, on most nights needed to go to bed early to rest, as did I bearing in mind that having a teenage pregnancy is no walk in the park. However the time we spent with our friends that night seemed to go by faster then it ever had before. The sun had gone down and the air began to cool making the opportunity to head home just right.

We said our good-bye's and walked to the car, feverish for the fact that we would get to spend the last half hour of our night alone together in the car on the ride home. I wrapped my arm around Norah as she leaned her head into my side while we talked about our past, thinking specifically of previously times I had driven her home and put my arm around her. The sun roof open and the windows down made for a perfect summers night. I got off the highway and continued down a dark country road that lead to Norah's house. Her eyes were closed and mine were halfway there, the day had taken its toll on both of us.

I yelled shit as a deer, almost out of no where, ran directly in front of my car. It took a leap just as I hit it and slid up the hood of my car and onto my wind shield. I swerved a little bit and then slammed on my brakes. The deer continued to slide up my wind shield and onto the roof of my car when it folded its broken body into the perfect shape to slide down into my car through the open sun roof. By this time my car was stopped but the deer wasn't. It's head shivered in my lap as It kicked and jolted while it made the fiercest of screeching noises. Blood from its wounds poured out of its body all over the inside of my car, covering me and Norah. The strength of the deer seemed to be stronger do to the build up of adrenaline rushing through its veins, so the force of the kicks were almost unbearable as they pounded on my face and chest. I heard Norah's cries become louder than the cries of the deer, but I was unable to help due to the massive amount of weight being pushed upon my lap. Norah had been taking a worse beating then me due to the fact that she had to deal with being kicked over and over by the hind legs.

I was finally able to muster my way out of my car, allowing the deer to rush out of my door and run into the field next to us only to collapse a few feet away and die. I ran around to the other side of my car and opened the door to find my girlfriend sitting in a large puddle of blood. Her face was beat to a pulp, her clothes tattered, and her tears unremitting. I picked her up and laid her on the grass next to my car and realized the blood she had been sitting in was not only from the deer, but was also from her. The deer had kicked repeatedly into my girlfriends seven and a half month pregnant stomach, making it look as if my girlfriend were never even pregnant. Her tears were not caused by the pain she felt upon her own body, but the pain she felt for her child inside of her womb. It was as if the baby was leaving her body through her cries, only to know the world by seeping into the dirt the laid beneath Norah.

My arms trembled as I held Norah and cursed the heavens for allowing this to happen to us. Cars passed us on the road, people honked, teenagers yelled out of there windows at us, and the moon smiled as it slowly rose from above the tree line in the distance.

"Your troubles will subdue as your days fade away when your cries are no longer heard."

Tonight

In the midst of being a youth on the verge of breaking the social code, I denied myself the right to sleep for a cup of coffee in a less the normally crowded Denny's. The only people here are as follows: the usual skinny man who bugs all of the waitresses and sits close to the door in case he needs to make a break for it, and a group of kids, around my age maybe younger, asking way to much of Angela. The damn kid doesn't need three more pancakes. The first three already went straight to his chin. And the girl across from him doesn't need another mango tea, "THE REST OF YOUR PARTY IS LEAVING LITTLE GIRL CAN'T YOU SEE! NO NEED FOR THE EXCESS AMOUNT OF SUGAR BEFORE YOU GO HOME AND CRAP IT ALL OUT OF YOUR ASS HOLE!" Three more people just walked in, and the fourth person they were with was obviously to young to be coming to a Denny's at midnight, so of course, they had him/her in a baby carrier. This coffee is good, straight of the Coffea arabica, which is the firs type of coffee plant listed on wikipedia, I dont know shit about coffee. Somebody just instant messaged me saying they never get to see me and when they do its only for little spurts. I replied by telling them I was like rain. I only come around every once in a while but you never forget about me because when I do finally appear, I get you wet. Please don't put that trash bag on the tableeeeeeee.... ok. Thank you for topping me off Angela, you're the best. You'll never get that Homer Simpson doll skinny man, thats fifty cents wasted. Thats thirty seconds wasted.

What am I saying, I'm sitting at Denny's and I'm thinking to myself that someone else is wasting their time. What am I doing, nothing important, nothing worth taking note of, nothing I will remember as being life changing. This may as well have never happened, because If I'm not going to remember it in the future, what was the purpose of doing it? What's the meaning behind that little moments in life that we dont remember? Why do they need to happen? The sparks that they may eventually make on my future seem so miniscule they can't seem to be appropriately placed into a setting that would be considered a groundbreaking point in my life. The butterfly effect, that has to be real, right? That has to be the reason why the little moments in our lives that we cant remember happen. Purpose outweighs memory and potential outweighs present talent.

Greg and Jim

I could see that the man standing in the corner of the room looking out the window was new. He looked a little out of place so I walked on over to him to say hello.

"Hey, there." I said.

"Hello."

"I'm Greg, Greg Hahn. I worked for American Airlines for 23 years before I came here."

He didn't seem to appreciate the small talk, but I didn't care.

"It's not so bad, once you're here for a while. You get used to it."

"I don't think I ever will." He told me.

"What's your name?"

"James Keller. My friends called me Jim. My mother was really the only one who called me James."

"Well alright, Jim. I'm not bugging you just because there's really nothing else to do... It's just I remember what it feels like to be new here and I hated it. I hated the smell, I hated the people, I..." He interrupted me.

"That's great, but could ya leave me alone for a little while, I'm kind of getting used to this whole, being dead, thing."

"Sure Jim, no problem."

I walked back over to where I was standing before and picked up the same fucking Time Magazine I had been reading for 57 years. The cover story was about global warming. I didn't give two shits anymore about climate change, and the sad polar bear on the cover didn't make me feel any more sympathetic. You know, you'd think they would have come up with a better system for purgatory, but they haven't. It's just sit, and wait for your name to be called. Jim didn't move for two and a half weeks. When he did move, it was to smash a fly that had landed on the glass in front of him. I wish he would have killed me instead. Maybe it would have sent me back to earth. The damn noises all around me didn't stop. Tick, tock, clip, plop, drip, all fucking day. The only thing I could do was sit, and watch people. I decided to try my chances with Jim again.

"What'er you up to man?"

"Same thing you're up to man."

I didn't like his attitude, so I ripped the front pocket of of his shirt.

"WHAT THE HELL!" He yelled.

I walked away as if nothing had even happened. I could tell he was looking at me. I didn't care, the guy was a dick. As soon as I got back to my original standing spot, the door opened, and a fat, sweaty nurse came pouring out like pancake batter.

"James Keller. You're up."

Jim had stood in that spot for three weeks, and his name was called. My feet had been planted for 57 years. I'm still here. I am still fucking here.

40.

What is it about dirt,

that just makes me happy?

Society

I can clearly see the buffalo roam,

on the grasslands they graze.

Sinking into the flood,

the one of which they once fled.

Their territory murdered,

and scattered throughout the land.

Making it hard for the mothers,

hard for them to take the hands

of the little ones drowning,

drowning in their own blood.

The hearts of the old beating faster then ever,

and the beautiful ones no longer held that glamour,

no longer held their stride.

Those who were worthy were killed,

those who were less fortunate were raped,

and ripped from the inside out,

blood from their stomach, spilling out,

soaking the ground, leaving the dry grass red.

The wolves chewed on the intestines,

tugging on them like rope,

tearing them apart like paper,

leaving puddles of blood on each others backs.

Yelps and growls sounded all around

and yet the noise could not be heard.

The old hearts no longer had a beat,

the young were too tattered,

the beautiful were gutted and pillaged,

and the world looked on with hope,

saying those words that were heard forever,

saying those words that will never be forgotten.

And I can see them now,

roaming around,

waiting for it to happen again.

The warmth rolls in,

the cool dies out,

its been a while, the wind, the cold cold wind

tearing apart, not only me.

The sun moves from behind cloud eight and cloud nine becomes visible.

I can feel it, the heat, the air, the fun.

I can feel the way it once was.

Thursday

Until death, I am life.

Until pain, I am Strength.

Until thirst, I am full.

Until Tomorrow, It is today.

mindless

There is no criticism of which can be traded from mine to yours but if you so truly insist, I will gladly create meaning for this disaster you've placed in my hands and in yours. This disease and this careless ambition that drags me through the streets and cries out my name until I run toward it and grab its leash has set to flame the desire I have for burdening others with their problems and creating new ones for myself.

New Weather

As the wind blows through the tips of my hair

I am hesitant to remember why I was ever there.

Why my feelings were dark and my heart was cold,

and why my love for happiness seemed so old.

As the sun beats down on my naked chest

I erase my thoughts but remember the rest

of my time here on earth,

is not meant to lose worth.

It is golden and and thriving

from my death to my birth.

This Is Hell

Where do I turn when all of my friends abandon me?

Where do I run when all of my enemies surround me?

Come home to me I hear.

Caged Rats

All the lies that fill up my lungs until I can no longer breathe have been set in by paranoia.

Caged rats we are.

Caged Rats we'll die.

influence

sometimes people change.

change is brought upon by influence.

influence can change how you interact with people.

people influence the way you live.

live how you think you should live.

live how you think you should live.

live how you think you should live.

live how you think you should live.

live how you think you should live.

The Simple Life

It is dangerous, as I have experienced, to believe to yourself that, as a human being, living on Earth as chance would come to have you, you are small or insignificant, because this way of thinking, or this thought process one would consume, can become the very poison that kills you. If you are small, if you are insignificant, what is your purpose, where are you going, why are you here, why are the stars there? However, to engage with your mind that you are large, that you are important can bring about pride, which to many, has caused their cease of existence, and so the median, we then find, would become the favorable point to try and obtain, but as many would know and what many have found out, the median is simple. The median brings about a sense of thought that dumbs you down and continues to rot your brain until you have lived for nothing and until you are blind to the reality that there is a life behind the metropolitan jobs and the suburban houses, that there is more to living, that you can achieve a greater understanding of what it is that is our purpose, so to speak. Many of us grow and realize that living the simple life is, as its name would say, simple, therefore, living it doesn't take much, and you end up just living in order to live. What's the point of living if you aren't going to live, if you are just trying to make it through life, and gain a social status, and make money, and become famous, and have a family? Why makes the american dream such a dream when in reality, the american dream is a roller coaster with no hills. When you take what you have and actually use it to your advantage, you then see that life is full of opportunities that just want to be taken, but are always just left behind by people too blind to see them. I don't want to live a life that's slowed down by hesitation, I want to jump off the cliff and see what happens. I don't want to live the simple life, this life of dinner parties and 9 to 5 jobs. I can't just get a job and live in a house and have a kid and work work work work die. I must accomplish something, I must live my life to the fullest as some would say, and I must use this world to the furthest extent of its capabilities. I won't let people who are scared to slow me down. I won't those who are weak, those who are timid, those who are worried to slow the life that I will live in order to form a sense of purpose in theirs. I will be who I will be because I am me.

New Song

Go Check It out

Facts

The difference between the mind I have now and the mind that I want is that in the mind that I want, there isn't a single question that isn't answered and everything is at ease and everything can be pulled together from facts that I or someone else have gained by taking a look at the world around us. Building a foundation on facts is what makes the foundation hold what's built upon it and what makes people stand on it, not biased faith learned from your surroundings or brought to you in some mysterious enlightenment. Although, in my own experiences, mysterious enlightenments are what have driven me to some of my most major decisions and why, because my emotions told me it was the right thing to do? What kind of authority does emotion have on my life, especially since emotion is almost always bias? I have cried for worth, and I have longed for meaning, and I have waited for a moment in my life where I do feel as though I have the mind I want rather than the mind I have and in those moments, I was truly happy. I feel as though I would rather listen to my emotions and have blind faith than listen to the facts of this world because who says the facts are actually factual? People? The only thing in this world that makes a fact true are the people who support it and the people who make the facts up, and if people are the epicenter for truth, and I am a person, then why cant my emotions, and my faith be the most factual things in my life? If I want to believe something is true, why can't it be true? Who's to say that someone else's opinion on a certain topic is more relevant that my own opinion? Everything learned in the world was learned from someone that learned something from someone else. What gives us miniscule humans the right to place labels on things and call them by our own names when in reality, we know nothing about this universe? The only things we do know were created by us. We decided that this is the way things are because these are the only theories we can wrap our minds around, and because as humans, since we are the smartest species on the only planet with with living, breathing beings, there is no other possible way things happen in this universe because nothing is bigger than us and nothing can top what we have thought of. In a world where human thought is driven by what we know because of humans, the only thing that I can believe in is my own faith, because in my own faith, I am not the biggest being. In my own faith, questions are answered and I live with the mind I want, rather than the mind I have.

Library

I'm going to write until I find the motivation I need to do my homework, or until I find the motivation to do something other than write. The sound of Hands in my ears isn't really helping the situation, its just making me want to head bang or stomp around the library or lay on my bed and watch my ceiling fan go around in monotonous circles like riley use to do or sit on a dirt and grass covered floor and watch the band live or switch to something thats a little less distracting like explosions in the sky.

This mountain dew is good, except I was a little taken back when Jill handed it to me and and there were coffee grounds on top of it. I had to be sure to wipe off all of the coffee grounds before I opened the pop so that none of them would fall into my drink and ruin the flavor, not that the flavor isn't already ruined by the artificial flavoring and Erythorbic Acid.

The top of my head has never itched so much in my life, probably because I haven't used axe shampoo for five months straight any other time in my life. I need to buy some head and shoulders or Selsun Blue because I sometimes find myself scratching my scalp in a class and watching the white flakes of skin fall onto my black corduroys until they look grey.

Nora is doing such a good job working on her homework and doing what she needs to do to get all of it done. Why can't I have that kind of motivation? She is going above and beyond by reading articles that she doesn't even need to read in order to gather information about Wes Anderson and she is getting smarter by the second and I am sitting here writing on my blogspot complaining that I don't have the will power to work on anything that will bring me up in this world. Where's my will power? Where's the drive thats going to get me places? What part of my mind do I need to turn on in order for me to do what I need to do rather than do the things I feel like doing more? You're making me look bad Nora. I blame you for making me feel guilty about not doing homework and I blame you for allowing me to keep writing this pointless and time consuming blog.

Alright. Ugh.

When you lose something, it's just the world forgetting that it ever existed.

(conversation in my room at 11:59 p.m.)

Did you call me this morning

dude i looked at my recent calls and i think i pocket dialed you like 8 times this morning

cuz i was like, i hope he didnt forget something else

gotta love touch screen phones

yea man

im going to sleep

i havent gotten caught up since last thursday, i stayed up all night last thursday

well at least they put it on normal paper now.

see ya, later, riley is that a self portrait? which one, yikes, dont do that, I...wont.

thats jills cousin.

Before You Know It

When you find out who I am, it will be too late, I will be gone. I am fast, and I only come once. Grab me by the horns while you still can because before you know it, I will have passed by right before your eyes. Go ride a bike, take a trip, read a book, take care of your body, be nice, be happy, be you. I want you to find out who I am before its too late.

-Life

747

Darkness is slowly being pulled down,

over my eyes. and there's nothing I can do.

Once

Today, tomorrow and the

next.

Walking along. Looking up.

I've tied my hands behind my back.

Try a little bit harder.

Do a little bit more.

Hours, days, years,

a lifetime.

Tornado

I swear it's like a tornado,

ripping you apart,

tearing you

from the

inside

out.

Armageddon

Even a dark casket won't stop the power that lies ahead of us. Indeed our world will be engulfed in flames, and our bodies will be burned to ash, and our buildings will be broken down, and our fertilized fields will become dirt, and our identical suburban neighborhoods will be torn to the ground and scattered around the planet and flowers will become weeds, water will become poison, air will become toxic, because in the end there is going to be a huge meteor thats going to destroy earth and bounce off to also get the moon.

Stop the Madness

Meaning, worth,

want, need,

love, hate

give, take, what is it?

What it is about us?

Taking each other by the throats,

holding each other down,

yelling, crying, bleeding.

Stop the madness.

Scotts Law Sucks.

Im going.

Change

Who can I share what I have learned with, and who will listen until their ears bleed for I know the news that can grant freedom to anyone who seeks it. There is something everyone needs to hear and I can be the one to tell all who are listening. I want to change this world, because I too know how corrupt it has become. It and all of its people and religions. I hate the same things you do, and I find annoying the same things you find annoying. Bottom line is that this way of spinning is making me angry and I want to do something about it. If you are poor hear are my clothes, I fortunate enough to buy some more. If you are tired, here a bed to sleep in until you can be on your feet again. If you are hungry here is some food for you to eat. Lets quit acting like children and work together to make this planet a place where someone might want to stay.

Vacation

This freedom make me happy and yet I can't hold still,

I wish I could relax with these days I have,

I wish I could stare at nothing and think about nothing.

What's a vacation if you don't vacate your mind?

The next time I call a week off of work for no reason I'm going to get in my car and drive until I have to turn around. Who wants to go with me?

Questions

Why do you insist on badmouthing each other when we are all a part of the same thing, trying to make it to the same place, trying to serve under that exact same God? Why do you put each other down and try and put each other out of work when the work you are a part of is the work of god? Why do you discriminate? Why are you quick to judge? Why you completely ignore what the other side is trying to say when what they may have to say could possibly be right? What gives you the right to decide whether or not what someone else is saying is wrong? When will you understand that God's plan wasn't for you to bicker and disagree, but for you to love each other just as Jesus loves you? When will you learn that life isn't about building yourself up? Quit worrying about whether or not somebody else's theology is the same as yours. God said to love Him with all of your heart, soul, strength and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. Are you truly doing that if your turning your congregation against someone else who is trying to bring people to the kingdom of God? You're bugging me.

Life Challenge

This life can mean nothing, it's cold, it's dark.

It takes more then a man to make it through,

and I am willing to stand up and be that man.

How short of a time we get here,

how big of a change we can make,

how strong of a life we can lead,

how hard of a road we can take.

Take the road less traveled,

and find a greater reward at the end.

This rush of cold air, swiftly flowing through me,

has brought the cold back into the light.

I'm a waste, ashamed of who I am today,

tossing and turning have become routine.

I need to be changed inside,

I long to be the man I'm called to be,

Don't hold my weaknesses against me,

Don't hold me back from the things I love.

What have I done to deserve your glory,

what have I done to receive this grace?

Then I cry out to the Lord most high,

Save me, oh God, make my heart pure!

Then I cry out to the God I love,

Heal this life, oh Lord, restore my soul once more!

Then I cry out to the Savior above,

Shine your light, oh God, I will not ignore

your presence your redeeming grace.

Shine your light, oh God, I will not ignore.

Your forgiveness overwhelms me,

I don't deserve this mercy,

but your love is strong like a mothers love.

There is hope in God.

Tired and Sick

Fed up with mess,

who should feel free,

but I, trapped, can't be?

Lightning strikes,

the ground breaks,

my feet still stand.

This redundancy,

how much can one take?

If I were put here,

and their ears could hear,

would they take it in?

Pray for those,

who persecute me?

When can this torment stop?

When will I be heard?

Let your love come down,

treat me your glory.

Tired and sick of it all,

this place is closing in,

I can feel my brittle bones breaking.

Stay strong, and have faith,

it will be worth it in the end.

I Am Weapon

I am not afraid, to be called Your son.

This is the one chance I get,

to make You proud, to stand for You,

to live my life according to Your will.

My passion is to love those who love You,

and to love those who don't know You,

and love the ones who hate You.

I will not sit by and watch as my brothers and sisters

fall because someone won't tell them the truth.

This mouth will proclaim your words.

My hands are tools for You.

My life is a weapon against death.

This is a call to those who believe,

believe that their life is not theirs,

and should be used for the glory of God.

You're the voice of this generation,

and His words will be spoken through you.

Awaken My Heart

This jealous rage, the anger built up inside,

strung around thoughts that are drowning me.

Feeling the reason to think like I do,

is pressing my mind into a cage,

and is trapping the life I once had.

This gnashing of the teeth,

false miracles fooling me again.

Is this reality, or am I dreaming,

are you trying to wake me up?

The gold that I had, has gained in its value,

and my desire to keep it is strong.

There is no letting go of what makes me alive,

the strength you have shown, is the love that provides.

I'm sorry I'm weak, this weight I can't hold,

with you in my arms, this life will unfold.

I'm a mess at heart, but I'm full of your love,

you're consuming my spirit, Oh Father above.

What power I have, from the heavenly king,

to spread what is good, and to shout what I sing.

The praises I give, are so weak and so small,

with me in your arms, I'm sure I won't fall.

A War Within

Framed from within to be a person I'm not,

slit at the throat, I'm choking on my blood.

This race between my heart and mind

has carved a hole in my life and still seeks revenge.

Desperate to win my mind goes wild,

but the strength in my heart has grown,

and It's no longer afraid to stand up and fight.

This is a war, a war that's been won,

a fight to the finish, I'll no longer run.

Eyes Wide Open

Never stand on the past, it's faults are temping.

Keep your mind strong and your heart open,

to the things that are pulling you forward.

The chances are there for the taking,

grab the hand thats being held out for you.

It's easier then you may think,

don't dwell on the mistakes you've already made,

but prevent the ones that may happen from happening.

Ignorence

I will forever be sickened by the one's who insist on translating the game into a war that's no greater then themselves. They can sit back and watch as the world turns to dust, but I will stand above the fire and be recognized as the man who became fearless in the storm. This hate that surrounds me will pass through one ear and go out the other, I will not listen to lies. I'm being changed by the heart that is within me. This is a new soul to keep.

Waking and Breathing

There was a point where I felt asleep and I couldn't remember how to breathe. I kind of had this feeling that I knew I was sleeping but I couldn't quite wake myself up to breathe. It scared me, it felt like I wasn't in control of my own body, as if there was some sort of outside force telling me what I could and couldn't do. I struggled for a while, shaking, yelling at myself, "WAKE UP, YOU KNOW HOW TO BREATHE." I shook around and tried my hardest to get my mouth to open and suck in the one bite of air that could fill my empty lungs. My mind was screaming, but not loud enough to wake me up. Just as I thought I was going to suffocate myself in my sleep, I woke, and my chest began to rise. I felt relieved, awake, and in a sense, new. This feeling will continue to rise as I live my new life. I will continue to breathe the angry fool wind.